OGDEN, UT — After developing a crick in your neck from a bad night's sleep, your new chiropractor has encouraging news: you will be back to 100% in no time! The only outstanding step is to complete 328 more visits.

"For a small co-pay of $50 per visit and a commitment to receiving regular chiropractic care forever and ever, I can guarantee relief – just 328 more visits," said Dr. Logan Harthson, who prescribed a total of $16,400 in treatment costs for a sore neck, with a payment plan available. "Your sore neck will feel better in no time – just 2.1 years of visits three times per week!"

Sources indicate that tight neck muscles and wear-and-tear on spinal joints can be alleviated by decisive, gentle application of pressure 156 times per year for just over 2 years.

"If you're serious about being cured, you need to be serious about getting regular adjustments at my practice, plus totally changing your diet and exercise routine while getting plenty of sunlight and fresh air and taking ice baths and applying plenty of essential oils that my wife conveniently sells," Dr. Logan continued. "If you do all those things without fail for the rest of your life, chances are you won't have a sore neck anymore at some point!"

At publishing time, your chiropractor confirmed that you will need an additional plan of care for daily visits after uncovering some new rotational mobilization issues he caused after accidentally cracking your neck too hard.

YUGE NEWS! There's a new Donald Trump Version of the Bible, and we've got the exclusive clip of Trump reciting his favorite verses.