ATLANTA, GA—Call this one a win for modesty: Chick-fil-A is introducing the world's first fully clothed chicken breasts.
"Modest is hottest---and now modest is also the most delicious," said Dan Cathy, CEO. "While other, sin-filled restaurants allow for completely naked chicken breasts, we've got you covered. I mean, we've got the breasts covered. As they should be."
During the summer, the breasts will be covered with a modest one-piece bathing suit, while fall months will have the chicken covered in a nice turtleneck. Festive sweaters will adorn the chicken breasts during the winter, and spring will allow for a high-necked, floor-length dress.
The restaurant's Christian fanbase responded enthusiastically to the news. "It's important for Christians to use dizzernment when it comes to modesty and chicken," said Pastor John MacArthur. "And I applaud Chick-fil-A for holding fast to the Word of God by implementing this anti-sin measure." MacArthur also said that the breasts are "irresistible" and he has "no choice" but to eat at Chick-fil-A for every meal.
Chick-fil-A has asked that patrons not undress the chicken breasts in the restaurant but instead wait until they're in the privacy of their own home. And they must, of course, marry the chicken sandwich first.
At publishing time, Chick-fil-A had announced it would be discontinuing its "chicken strips" for more appropriate "chicken putting clothes back on."