CHICAGO, IL — Mayor Brandon Johnson credited Chicago's drop in reported crime to his new policy of holding the crime statistics chart upside down.
While previous mayors held the chart right side up, making crime appear to be on the rise, Johnson came up with the idea of simply flipping the chart over.
"And as you can see," said Johnson, pausing for dramatic effect as he turned the chart upside-down. "Crime is actually falling at a historic rate. The arrow is pointing down. We did it. Good job, me."
The gathered media erupted in raucous applause, flabbergasted by the incredible news. "It's a miracle! I can't believe he did it. Three cheers for Mayor Johnson!" shouted local ABC correspondent Mack Garver. "Just yesterday, crime was skyrocketing. It was so bad that I was mugged seven times just this week. But now, look at the chart! Crime is falling like a rock. I don't know how he did it, that clever guy."
Witnesses reported that one journalist attempted to dissent, shouting, "Hey, that's not what the chart says! You just turned it upside down!" However, that journalist was accused of denying science and then beaten senseless with a broom handle.
At publishing time, crime had reportedly fallen in dozens of other Democrat-run cities as other Mayors adopted Johnson's brilliant strategy.
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