VATICAN CITY — Following the death of Pope Francis, cardinals within the Roman Catholic Church have expressed interest in electing a pope who's actually Catholic this time.
"Call me crazy, but I think the leader of the Catholic Church should be Catholic," said Cardinal Gerard Poupard, archbishop of the church in France. "It has worked pretty well in the past. Maybe we should try that again."
Cardinals are reportedly eager to move past the papacy of Francis and focus on such classic doctrines such as all the stuff that's in the Bible and Catholic teaching. "I actually can't remember what's in the Bible at this point," said Poupard. "We should see what it says. It might be important."
"After Francis, it's clear that it's time to go back to basics," said another cardinal who spoke on condition of anonymity. "We're strongly considering going with a Catholic pick this round."
Gay communists around the world were outraged by the suggestion. "If the Catholic Church picks a Catholic Pope, it's literal genocide," said local drag queen and lapsed Catholic Wren Floriana. "The Vatican must be stopped before billions die."
At publishing time, Vatican officials had reportedly narrowed their candidates down to Mark Wahlberg, Mel Gibson, and JD Vance.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
