Casino Claims Slot Machines Aren't Rigged, Just 'Fortified'
Politics

LAS VEGAS, NV—"The house always wins," the saying goes. Many people feel the games and machines in Las Vegas are rigged so you can't ever really come out on top. But one casino boss is insisting that the games aren't actually rigged -- they're just "fortified."

"We did not rig the slot machines to ensure we always come out on top -- we just fortified them," said the owner of Don Benny's Casino just outside Las Vegas, Bob Casino. "We had a powerful, secret cabal of honest, hard-working mobsters and mathematicians working under cover of night to change the rules, secretly coming together to work the odds against the player so there is no way they can win."

"Hey, I won!" cried a player at a nearby slot machine as a siren blared. Mr. Casino nodded at two men in suits standing by, and they swiftly moved in to break the player's kneecaps and take him into a back room for questioning. "This isn't fair! You can't do this! It's rigged!" 

Mr. Casino shrugged and took a puff of his cigar. "We prefer the term 'fortified."

"That's just Vegas, baby."

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