WASHINGTON, D.C. - Reporters rushed to the White House lawn today as they heard a familiar sound: the trumpeting of the Biden administration's official herald, Timmy Johnson. Johnson stood on the White House balcony and blasted the notes that signaled another royal decree from President Joe Biden.

"Hear ye, hear ye, loyal subjects of His Majesty, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., Second of His Name, Defeater of the Trumpists, Uniter of the Americas, Sniffer of Women!" Timmy shouted as Biden stood behind him, mumbling unintelligibly to himself. "The King, may he live forever, has issued another royal decree!"

Biden finally spotted the teleprompter in front of him and began to read. "By our royal decree and the seal of our hand, and the power vested in us by the extremely fortified 2020 election, we, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., Second of His Name, Defeater of the Trumpists, Uniter of the Americas, Sniffer of Women, do declare that all citizens of my kingdom must cut their sandwiches... diagonally!"

And there was much rejoicing among the journalists.