LAS VEGAS, NV — After 48 hours of wedded bliss, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have announced they are getting a divorce, sources confirm.
"Over the weekend, we just felt ourselves growing apart," said Affleck to local media while demolishing a triple cheeseburger and a pack of cigarettes. "By Monday morning, we finally realized we were moving in two different directions and that saying goodbye was the healthy thing to do for both of us."
A spokesperson for the former couple confirmed that due to the fact that neither signed a prenuptial agreement, the two may not split amicably, with Lopez walking away with at least 100% of Affleck's material wealth.
"In life, the most important thing is to be happy," said Lopez. "And if there's anything we Hollywood stars are experts in, it's happiness. If something stops making you happy every second, it's time to move on."
Friends and family members have requested privacy for Affleck and Lopez until the situation is resolved in a nationally televised courtroom battle.
UPDATE: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have announced they are getting back together.
UPDATE: Never mind, they're getting divorced again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
