EAST PALESTINE, OH — Following the February 3rd train derailment and subsequent chemical release and controlled burn in the area, it was announced that the entire city of East Palestine, Ohio has been purchased by billionaire tech mogul/philanthropist/civilization-reshaper Bill Gates for the low price of just 50 dollars.
"I just couldn't pass up such a great deal, after this tragic, and totally accidental accident that wasn't caused by me," Gates said in a press release announcing the purchase. "By buying this city and all surrounding farmland at such a reasonable price, I can really invest in its restoration. Genetically modified agriculture, artificial meat substances, social engineering, experimental climate control measures…you name it. East Palestine can be my own little sandbox!"
With the air, soil, and groundwater of East Palestine and the surrounding areas completely decimated by toxic chemical contamination, Gates was able to negotiate what experts are calling a once-in-a-lifetime deal. "He really picked the right place at the right time," said real estate agent Jennifer Dove. "I've heard of sweetheart real estate deals, but an entire city? At that price? I guess he'll have to deal with horribly mutated wildlife and unusable farmland, but wow! What a deal!"
At publishing time, Gates was quick to dispel rumors that this was all some nefariously orchestrated plan to wipe out an entire region of rich agricultural land and swoop in to take control. "I in no way, shape, or form, had any prior knowledge about the ecological disaster," Gates said. "Yes, I may have consulted with tech firms and the local government to launch biometric surveillance of East Palestine's residents the week before the incident, but that was totally unrelated. Totally."
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
