U.K.—Amid controversy over British heavy metal band Black Sabbath's insensitive and outdated name, band management has announced that the group will now be referred to as Sabbath of Colour.
While the group stopped touring several years ago when it became awkward to play music while being supported by walkers, all previous records will be re-released with the old name scrubbed, and all merchandise will be changed to the new name.
"Ya, you know, it's really great, really good," said Ozzy Osbourne. "Pancakes, you know? Wait... the, whatever it is... who are you? Where am I? What? Bloody hippopotamus cheesecakes all over the blimey cheerio mate."
"What Ozzy's trying to say," said Tony Iommi, "is that we're trying to be sensitive to persons of color while respecting the band's legacy. Also, we would sort of appreciate it if everyone would re-purchase all the old albums, because, let's be honest here, people aren't exactly buying heavy metal these days. All the kids and their Billy Eyelashes and You Toos and all these newfangled groups."
"This stuff never would have flown in the Dio era; I'm just saying," muttered Geezer Butler while playing a Red Hot Chili Peppers riff on his bass. "All these people are so paranoid."