Politics
Biden Tells Aides To Wake Him Up When Results Start Coming In

WILMINGTON, DE—After a difficult final day of campaigning for a couple of hours, Joe Biden has decided to turn in for the day and take a little nap while he waits for the election results. According to sources, he gave his aides strict orders to not wake him up "under any circumstances" until election results have come in and he is the President.

"I need my rest!" said Biden. "Please bring me some warm milk and keep the lights off while I sleep!" Biden then slouched into his easy chair and fell asleep to the soothing sounds of The Lawrence Welk Show.

"What a sleepy loser!" said Trump, who had been awake for 42 hours. "Joe hasn't got what it takes. The only way he can win is with a RIGGED ELECTION!"

Aides quickly hooked Biden up to his nighttime heart monitor and gave him his daily injection of drugs and fillers to keep him from collapsing in on himself like a dying star.

More aides are standing by with an adrenaline shot for waking him up once results start coming in 2 weeks from now.

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