UKRAINE - As Russia prepares to invade Ukraine, President Biden has responded decisively by sending a couple guys from the Texas border to beat back the advancing forces. 

"Putin, you're gonna be sorry," said Biden to a Russian nesting doll on his desk he mistook for Putin. "I'm sending my top two men - the horse whip guys - to stop you. Did you see what they did to those Dominicans? You're in for it buddy! I'll bet you're scared now!" 

The two Texas border guards were dropped into Ukrainian territory from a military aircraft along with their horses and legendary leather reins. 

After international outcry that the horse whip guys were being too rough on the Russian soldiers, Biden opted instead to let the Russians in and give them $450,000 instead.