WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite a variety of pressing matters demanding his attention both domestically and abroad, President Joe Biden told reporters he's looking forward to a great Super Bowl tonight.
Addressing members of the media on Monday morning following a weekend of growing concerns over his mental competency, Biden shrugged off the criticism and expressed his excitement to watch the big game tonight.
"Looks like it's going to be a good one, folks," Biden said. "I was just talking to my good friend Vince Lombardi last week, and he said this Super Bowl would go right down to the final minute. On one side, you have the San Diego 76ers. They were really something back in the 80s. They had Jim Montana. And on the other side, you have the Kansas City… the Kansas City… the… the Kansas… those fellas. Their quarterback is half-colored. Mixed. Mahorne. Anyway... I can't wait to see the game."
The White House sought to downplay controversy that arose late last week regarding Biden's fitness to serve as president. "To claim he is unfit is irresponsible," said black and gay Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "His inability to recall minor details like days of the week, names of his family members, and the proper procedure for using the nuclear launch codes is of absolutely no consequence when it comes to governing the nation."
At publishing time, Biden hurried off to watch the game in the Oval Office after fondly recalling the time he spent dating Taylor Swift when he was a lifeguard back in Delaware.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.