With the 2024 election year in full swing, the danger posed by Christian nationalists continues to grow exponentially each day, threatening to destroy democracy itself. Knowing whether or not you harbor dangerous, deep-seated Christian nationalist tendencies may just save the entire world.
The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of common signs you may, in fact, be a Christian nationalist:
- You're a Christian: The biggest red flag of all.
- You have voted in an election: You think you're supposed to have a say in who leads the country, you maniac?
- You're married: To a person of the OPPOSITE sex, so there's no telling what horrible things you might do.
- You are currently in possession of an American flag: Only a truly hateful person displays such frightening imagery.
- You agree with the idea of building a society on principles like "do not steal," "do not lie," and "do not murder": Haven't you ever heard of the separation of CHURCH and STATE?
- You let someone wearing a MAGA hat walk by without punching them in the face: Disturbing evidence that you agree with Nazis.
- You pay for merchandise at Target instead of just running out the door: It's probably because you think you're better than everyone else. A classic symptom of Christian Nationalism.
- You won't let your 3rd-grader join the After School Satan Club: Refusing to let your child hang out with the Prince of Darkness is a clear sign you're a bigot.
- You face Mar A Lago five times per day and pray to Donald Trump: All Christian Nationalists do this.
- You own a Bible: Even more dangerously, it's a King James Version.
If you exhibit any of the signs listed above, you are officially a Christian nationalist and an existential threat to the United States. It's a good thing you're already on an FBI watch list.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
