CAMP DAVID — With mortgage interest rates continuing to climb and home ownership increasingly out of reach for many Americans, President Joe Biden offered insightful financial advice to anyone struggling to buy a house in the current economic climate, suggesting they simply set up 20 shell companies and begin laundering money from the Chinese government.
"It worked great for, uh, a guy I know," Biden said as he relaxed at the presidential retreat at Camp David before traveling to Lake Tahoe for a relaxing weekend vacation. "Here's the deal. No American should be on the brink of living in poverty when there are millions of dollars just waiting to be made by accepting bribes from foreign governments like China and Ukraine."
Skyrocketing real estate prices combined with rising interest rates have created a challenging housing market the likes of which the United States has never seen, leaving millions of Americans trying to catch up. "These house prices are insane," said concerned citizen Chris Wilson. "I knew I'd need to work hard to get enough money to buy a house, but I didn't expect to have to win the Powerball to make it happen."
When asked what individuals and young families can do to ease their financial burdens enough to become homeowners, Biden explained how simple the process of making money has been for his family. "Listen up, folks. Just get yourself elected to public office," he explained. "Then, start selling influence and favors to really bad people, here and abroad. You and your kids will be rich in no time. Tragarbinzarfinader!"
At publishing time, Biden had requested that his trip to Maui next week be changed to visit one of the "non-burned" Hawaiian islands.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
