WASHINGTON, D.C. — After testing positive for COVID today, President Biden immediately rushed out of the White House to go sniff one last little girl before losing his sense of smell.
"You mean I won't be able to smell anything?" said a distraught Biden as his doctor broke the news. "I've got to go then, there's no time to lose! Fire up Marine One! Where's the closest elementary school?"
Biden's COVID diagnosis comes despite the President being twice-vaccinated and boosted. "The President has taken every precaution possible to ensure that his dearly beloved olfactory nerve remains healthy," said White House physician Dr. Elliot Reed. "Smelling little girls' hair and eating ice cream are his two great pleasures, and he guards those fiercely. He actually tried to combine them by making the National Science Foundation create an ice cream that smelled like hair, but aides shot that down."
Desperate for one last sniff before COVID took hold, Biden directed Marine One to land at nearby Maury Elementary School. "Hey, kids! President Biden is back once again for a surprise visit!" announced Principal Donna Cleary as she watched the helicopter land in the parking lot. "He sure does come to visit a lot. Such a great supporter of education!"
At publishing time, President Biden had reportedly ordered every ice cream flavor in America delivered to the White House after learning he could also lose his sense of taste.
Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.