WORLD — In a recent statement, President Biden vowed to make good on his promise to end resort fees at hotels by the time World War III begins.

"Listen, folks, when we go to nuclear war with Russia — and it will happen any day now, not a joke — the last things people want to be worrying about are those annoying junk fees that hotels always charge! It makes me sick!" said Biden to a little girl he was sniffing. "When your town is an irradiated crater and your sons and daughters are dying in Ukraine, do you want to be thinking about that $70 per day fee the Hilton charged you last week? No, I'm serious!"

Sources say several reporters desperately followed up to ask what Biden meant by "nuclear war with Russia will happen any day now," but Biden was undeterred. "Folks, we gotta come together as a nation. End these fees. For real. Bomb Russia right now. Resort fees. Fibblitterighly!"

Spokesman for the Russian government Dmitry Peskov has responded to the provocation. "We will end the puny United States before they can end resort fees, although we're not sure what those are. Whatever they are, they're probably something gay. Everything in America is gay," he said.

At publishing time, Biden had also vowed to lower the cost of insulin before all the diabetics die in a nuclear holocaust.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.