WASHINGTON D.C.—Disaster has struck Congress, as President Joe Biden has fallen sideways in the main Capitol hallway and become stuck, blocking all Congressional business. Congressional staffers heard Biden gibbering incoherently, so he seems fine other than the fact that he’s stuck.
“Has he tried standing up?” Representative Jerry Nadler suggested.
“Yes, he’s tried!” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi answered. “But has anyone tried kicking him? Like kicking him so hard in the back he spins a bit and becomes unstuck?”
“I was kicking him, but it didn't work,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.
“We have to destroy the walls and then he’ll have room to become unstuck,” Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stated. She then pulled out the hammer and sickle she always carries and started to attack the hallway walls. “Destroy all the walls!”
“Can’t we just step over him?” suggested Senator Ted Cruz.
“You can’t step over the president!” Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer responded. “It’s disrespectful.”
“What if we built a stairway over him?” Senator Bernie Sanders asked. “I bet we could do it for under $300 billion.”
“How are we supposed to pass a $300 billion stairway project if we can’t get to the Senate chambers where I store my gavel, ya dumb-dumb?” shot back Schumer.
“We have to face facts,” declared Vice-President Kamala Harris grimly. “The only way we’re going to free up the hallway is to blow up Biden with dynamite.”
“That was your suggestion when he wouldn’t budge on the minimum wage!” said Schumer.
If Biden continues to be stuck, politicians fear that so many spending bills will now be blocked that the country could start to lose its deficit, setting a dangerous precedent.