WASHINGTON, D.C.—White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced today that President Biden has created an account on OnlyFans* to share sensual photos and videos of himself eating ice cream with his admirers in the mainstream media.
“We had such an overwhelmingly positive reaction to the videos of the President eating ice cream that it seemed like a logical next step,” Psaki said. “The OnlyFans account will allow the President to share ice cream content directly with his media devotees in a more personal, intimate setting.”
Psaki said the platform will feature a monthly subscription package for base content of photos and videos of the President eating ice cream. For a small fee, subscribers can request the type of ice cream that the President eats, and for an extra $1,000 per minute, the President will eat his cones shirtless.
A hot and bothered Jim Acosta of CNN was seen fanning himself with a copy of Teen Vogue magazine, completely overcome by his schoolboy crush on the President. “This is a dream come true for me,” he giggled. “Nobody eats ice cream like President Biden, and I can’t believe I’ll actually get to watch every day!”
Psaki said the rush of journalists signing up for subscriptions briefly crashed the OnlyFans servers this morning, but that things are now back up and running. “With our current subscriber base, we expect to earn enough to pay off the national debt in about six months,” she noted.
*For our homeschooled audience, OnlyFans is a sinful website and you should not visit it or Google it.