WILMINGTON, DE—Tens of families across the country gathered around their computer screens to hear Joe Biden's latest live-streamed video this week, but several viewers noticed something wrong during the broadcast.
As Biden listed his new plan entitled 'Uncle Joe's 10 No-Nonsense Things To Do To Get-It-Done For The American People,' he seemed to falter slightly. "We di-... all the, you know how we gotta get it, for th-... American, you know, look. Here's the deal: buddy malarkey applesauce baloney." As Biden spoke, he seemed to blink rapidly in a regular pattern of long blinks and short blinks.
Observant viewers began to record the distinct blinking pattern in notebooks, which looked something like this:
…. . .-.. .--. / -- . , …. . .-.. .--. / -- . , …. . -.-- / .- .-. . / …. --- .-.. -.. .. -. --. / -- . / …. . .-. . / .- -. -.. / .. / .--- ..- … - / .-- .- -. - / .- / -. .- .--. -.-.--
A retired military code-breaker translated the mysterious code to mean: "HELP ME, HELP ME, THEY ARE HOLDING ME HERE AND I JUST WANT A NAP!"
President Trump responded by sending National Guard troops to Biden's 7000-square-foot lakeside mansion to rescue him from his captors. When troops arrived, they found Biden was just there by himself. Campaign workers then arrived to help Biden find his way back to his easy chair for a long nap.