WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Biden has received some criticism for how the exit was handled in Afghanistan. One problem is that Americans fled so quickly that numerous military weapons have now ended up in the hands of the Taliban. Biden held a press conference to assure the public that it's not all as bad as it seems.

"Yes, the Taliban has now gotten tanks from us," Biden told the press. "They also got some humvees. And lots of explosives. But don't worry: They did not get any AR-15s."

The AR-15 (which stands for AR-15 Rifle 15) is the deadliest weapon known to man, capable of such terrible actions as cocking and bullet firing. Scientists theorize that if the Taliban got one, they would become unstoppable, destroying the entire solar system, including Uranus.

"If the Taliban come at us with our own weapons," Biden said, "don't worry: It will just be with like a rocket launcher or something because we left a bunch of those. Or maybe with that battlemech with Gatling guns for arms that we accidentally forgot about and left in a warehouse in Kabul. But it won't be with an AR-15; if I thought they had those, I would have already fled to Mexico."

There was a scare, though, when pictures surfaced of the Taliban holding what looked a lot like AR-15s, but military sources identified the guns as M-16s, which are different.