BOSTON, MA — In a speech today, President Biden vowed to rid America of cancer. Then, at the close of his speech, he immediately kept his promise and tendered his resignation.
"Hey folks, no joke, we're curing cancer!" said the President who recorded the highest COVID cases and brought back monkeypox. "We're gonna lick this thing just like we beat poverty, drugs, and the Taliban! You'll see! Come on! We can cure at least a million, er a million billion cancers! All the cancers! For real! And with that, I officially resign as President of the United States."
Biden then shuffled off stage and dove headfirst into a camera crew he mistook for a young child's hair.
Biden's speech is being praised as "momentous" and "bold" by the press. The resignation was also praised by Americans as a fitting end to the malignant growth that had spread its way through the government. "Wow, I truly appreciate the President keeping his promise," said one American.
At publishing time, the White House Press secretary issued a statement that the President just misspoke, and he's not resigning.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
