WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaking from the White House, President Biden announced his administration's bold plan to require all wildfires be electric by 2025.
"My administration is committed to fighting pancakes, I mean climate change, and today we announce our boldest initiative yet!" mumbled the President to a group of dolls gathered in his closet he mistook for reporters gathered on the White House lawn. "By 2025, all wildfires will be powered exclusively by clean, electric energy. Gotta do it, folks! Not a joke! I wonder what that redhead smells like!"
The Biden team unveiled details of the plan, including new statutes mandating all wildfires obtain permits for electric usage before being allowed to burn down acres of forest land.
"Electric wildfires are the future of climate technology," declared Mark Patterson, a representative from the Bureau of Land Management. "I'm thrilled to see our president take a powerful position against destructive, gas-powered wildfires. Electric wildfires could burn millions of acres of trees with far less efficiency for only 10 times the price!"
The Biden administration told reporters they've spoken with wildfires across the country and have nearly reached an agreement with the fires, which includes provisions to convert current wood-burning fires into electric-only in just three years. The President hailed the move as another major step forward in his administration's ongoing commitment to spend as many federal dollars on completely normal, practical, common-sense climate initiatives as possible.
Critics say the plan could use up precious cobalt meant for iPhones and Teslas.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
