Bible Scholars Believe Noah Made Over 977 Trips To Home Depot During Ark Construction
Scripture · Apr 5, 2024 ·

OXFORD — Citing newly discovered evidence and a reinterpretation of some of the earliest available Hebrew texts, leading biblical scholars now believe Noah made over 977 trips to Home Depot during the ark's construction.

Though not explicitly described in the original Genesis account, scholars agree that it is all but a foregone conclusion that a construction project of such a scale would inevitably result in an astronomical number of trips to Home Depot, regardless of how skilled Noah and his sons may have been as builders.

"We've all been in a similar position," said Professor Blake Rumsey of the Center for Biblical Knowledge at Oxford. "No matter how large or small your building project may be, you always end up taking countless trips to Home Depot. It can't be avoided."

Taking into account the size of the ark and the length of time Noah spent constructing it, the consensus opinion was that over 977 Home Depot trips would have been required. "At least one trip per day, sometimes more," Rumsey explained. "First of all, there's the inevitability that Noah cut some of the boards too short and needed some more lumber. And we all know how difficult it can be to estimate the number of boxes of nails you will need for a project. Multiply these factors by the sheer scale of the ark and it's easy to see how the number of trips to Home Depot could increase exponentially."

At publishing time, scholars were also working on a hypothesis that Noah likely attempted to save money on the project by charging material costs to his Home Depot Pro Xtra account.

Babylon Bee subscriber Ben Mereness contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

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