HEAVEN — In a shocking revelation that falls in line with a common suspicion online over the last year, several of the men who authored books of the Bible finally admitted that they were all paid $7,000 for every reference they made to Israel.
The admission comes after heated speculation that, much like is done today, anyone who mentioned "Israel" in their writings in ancient times was also paid a tidy sum of $7,000 for each instance.
"It was a pretty sweet gig, to be honest," confirmed the prophet Ezekiel, who reportedly racked up the most mentions in a single book. "Hey, if the money is available, just take it. I was writing a ton about Israel anyway, for free, so why not make a little extra coin on the side? And people pretend like I'm the one who benefited from the arrangement the most, but I only had one book. You should have seen how much cash Moses came away with from the Pentateuch. ‘Israel this' and ‘Israel that.' He was the O.G. moneymaker with that deal."
Other biblical authors confirmed their participation in the arrangement as well. "It was easy money," said the prophet Isaiah. "Times were tough in those days, so it was nice to be able to generate a little bit of extra income on the side. It also helped that the Holy Spirit was literally wanting me to mention Israel, like, all the time. Almost as if Israel was a really important topic or something. Anyway. The money was a bonus."
At publishing time, Elisha had confirmed that he once called two she-bears out of the wood to maul a man who shouted "7K!" while he issued a prophecy that mentioned Israel.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
