AUSTIN, TX — Humanity's voyage to Mars suffered a significant delay following an admission by SpaceX CEO Elon Musk that he just learned of a new update to Diablo II: Resurrected, and he would be quite busy playing that for the next few years.
"Mankind's continued survival depends on the colonization of Mars as a stepping stone to the stars," Musk told shareholders, "but Diablo II just added a Warlock class, so we need to manage our priorities properly."
According to a press release from Activision Blizzard, Diablo II: Resurrected, a high-definition remake of the original Diablo II that was released in the year 2000, has been updated to add new endgame content, quality of life improvements, and the first new playable class in 25 years. Musk was reportedly so caught off guard by the news that he canceled a 4 P.M. test launch of Starship, SpaceX's reusable rocket ship, so he could roll a Warlock character named X.
"X is cool because he can cast a Flame Wave," Musk explained.
When government officials confronted Musk about his delayed timeline for preserving the human race, Musk simply replied, "But they added a Warlock class."
At publishing time, Elon Musk had been caught trying to convince President Donald Trump to make a Barbarian character and go ghost farming in the Arcange Sanctuary, potentially delaying Ukraine-Russia peace talks.
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