U.S. — In the latest step in his quest to lead working-class Americans to overthrow the elite billionaire ruling class, Senator Bernie Sanders unveiled a gold-encrusted "Beat the Oligarchy" dirigible he would use to tour the country.
Sources within Sanders's office said the new airship was designed to counteract the heavy criticism the Vermont senator has faced due to his frequent use of private jets while urging everyone else to reduce their carbon footprint.
"This is the only option for my travel," Sanders said. "I fly all over the country speaking to large crowds of American workers. You expect me to just wait in line at the airport like everyone else? No, that's not practical. This gold-encrusted dirigible is the best way for me to get around."
Though the announcement was met with further accusations of living a far more lavish lifestyle than what he preaches others to have, Sanders's staff said there was no inconsistency. "How else should a man of his stature travel?" asked a spokesperson for his office. "The only way for Senator Sanders to spread the word of income equality and restoring power to the working class is to tour the country in a gold-encrusted dirigible. For anyone to say otherwise is simply irresponsible and preposterous. You show me a senator who doesn't have a gold-encrusted dirigible. I dare you."
At publishing time, Sanders denied rumors that he had told his staff to purchase Bugatti sports cars in every state for him to use when traveling by road.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
