WASHINGTON, D.C. - Bernie Sanders was quick to react to the violence in Venezuela, pointing out that real socialism-induced riots have never been tried.

"I know what you're thinking," he said at a rally Wednesday. "The riots in Venezuela prove that socialism will always lead to violent uprisings and mass chaos. Well, my friend, not so fast. Because the truth is that real socialism-induced riots have never been tried."

"Sure, many nations claim their form of socialism-induced riots were the real deal. But pure socialism-induced riots, untainted by the free market, have never been allowed to reach their full potential. Greedy capitalists always swoop in to protect 'their' stores and 'their' property, just when the looting starts to make real changes."

Sanders insisted that if "true" riots, looting, starvation, and violence caused by socialism were allowed to flourish, the world would be tripping over itself to implement socialism.

"You know what these property 'owners' are really afraid of?" he said. "If the world ever saw true socialism-induced riots in action, every nation would clamor to replace their inequitable systems with socialism-induced riots."

"One of these days, a nation will burn itself to the ground with real socialism-induced riots, and we will finally prove that the inevitable collapse of the socialist state is the only way to achieve the equitable utopia we deserve."