WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Bernie Sanders tweeted that women have the right to a government-funded abortion at any time, his legal experts informed him that the Constitution actually doesn't say anything close to that.
Sanders simply said, "What!? Bring me a Constitution, I'll find it for you." Nobody on Sanders's staff had a copy of the Constitution, so they went down to a local novelty gift shop and picked one up, along with a cool Washington Monument lighter.
The presidential candidate scoured the document, but sure enough, he couldn't find anything about taxpayers being forced to pay for abortions. "Goodness, there's not even anything in here about a woman being able to terminate the life of her offspring!" he exclaimed, scratching his head.
"Uh... hey, guys, look over there, out the window -- I think Ocasio-Cortez is walking by!" he said, sending his staffers scurrying for the window to catch a glimpse of their queen. Sanders then pulled out a pen and hastily scribbled, "Also, women have the right to an abortion at any time" in black ink.
"Oh, I guess she wasn't there after all -- actually, guys, look -- I found the clause about abortion, right here at the end."
Sanders will be using the tactic to add the right to free housing, free internet, free healthcare, free Netflix access, and free breath mints to our nation's founding document.