STONEWALL, LA—A new children's Bible released by IFB Life Publishing depicts Eve wearing a "historically accurate" denim skirt, sensible neck-covering polo shirt, and $13 Walmart sneakers.
Adam is depicted without a shirt and standing behind a bush, though the publisher assures readers he's wearing basketball shorts under there. He's standing next to his wife, who's wearing a denim skirt that she fashioned while waiting for the Crock-Pot to finish making dinner.
"We wanted kids to see Eve as she actually was in Bible times: wearing modest attire and definitely not prancing around naked," said Steve Atterson, head of IFB Publishing. "Too many children's Bibles act as though Eve wasn't wearing any clothes, and they're simply inappropriate for our kids---or anyone, really---to read."
"Now your kids can read the Bible and not be tempted by Eve's indiscretions."
Passage quotes in the Bible are, of course, from the King James Version, or, as Atterson puts it, "the only version." All references to nudity throughout the Baptist children's Bible have been replaced with references to turtlenecks, polo shirts, long skirts, overalls, and Crocs.
"Leggings are right out," Atterson said.
The Bible also has colorful illustrations of Noah passing out in his tent after drinking too much grape juice and getting a tummy ache.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.