Church
Authorities Urge Worshipers To Evacuate Catholic Church While There's Still Time

WORLD—Citing the church's ongoing abuse scandals and teachings on works-based salvation, authorities urged worshipers to evacuate the Roman Catholic Church while there is still time.

Prolonged exposure to the corruption of the Catholic Church may cause theological confusion and disillusionment with God and the Bible, according to multiple peer-reviewed studies.

"Don't try to tough it out, please," said one disaster relief official. "Take your valuables and your loved ones and get out of there as soon as possible."

Experts claim every time they issue an evacuation warning for Catholic worshipers, millions refuse to leave, staying behind rather than heeding the warning. "Don't try to be a hero, don't try to be brave, don't try to reform things from the inside out—just exit in a calm, orderly fashion."

In a rare moment of candor, Pope Francis addressed the authorities' evacuation warning, claiming that he's "hard at work" on important issues like overuse of plastic straws, climate change, and social justice. "There is nothing to fear. Please stay calm and do not evacuate while we work on these environmental problems."

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