SYDNEY - On the heels of Biden's diplomatic boycott of the China Olympics, the Australian Olympic team has announced that they too will boycott the games - but only because the police won't let them out of their homes.
"Don't get me wrong, mate, I'd love to compete," said Australian swimmer Noah Dorner. "But there are two heavily armed jacks outside my door who promised to beat my head in to protect me from COVID if I try to leave."
Australian authorities stressed that these measures were for everyone's health and safety and that if anyone incites disagreement with them, they will be sent to a special health and safety concentration camp. They also reminded all the athletes that they are also in no condition to compete athletically as they have been shut indoors eating take-out food for a year.
"We know what's best for you," said government officials. "You don't need to compete in these games. Please just stay inside and stay safe until you're dead. Thank you for your cooperation."
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.