BEMIDJI, MN — With inflation and other economic woes continuing to plague the nation, The White House took the time to assure the nation over Labor Day that these troubling issues were only affecting people who needed to buy stuff.
"Yes, we are continuing to see rising prices across many industries, but we want the American people to understand that those issues are very limited in scope," said historic Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "If you don't have to purchase food, clothing, transportation or shelter to survive, none of this will affect you!"
The press pool then stood and cheered at the very encouraging news.
Reports from several large cities confirmed that people who don't pay for anything have felt little to no impact from inflation. "My life's basically the same as it's always been," said One-Arm Phil, a homeless miscreant who has lived in an abandoned Radio Shack since it went out of business in 2011. "I've heard folks talk about how expensive things are getting, but I'm honestly not feeling it at all. I'm still able to find what I need in dumpsters and survive off of stuff I get for free. Life's a breeze for me. Thanks, Biden!"
Individuals who live on welfare and other government-sponsored programs expressed assurance that they are still able to eat for free with their food stamps while receiving enough benefits to obtain high-dollar items like iPhones, PlayStation 5s, and new TVs. Still, some are complaining these welfare dollars don't go as far as they used to. "I have to buy generic brand fudge rounds now," lamented one local welfare recipient.
At publishing time, government sources indicated there would be a renewed push to raise taxes across the board to ensure people who don't ever pay for anything will get even more free stuff while people who pay for stuff take on more responsibility.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
