TULSA, OK—A "foul Arminian temptress" dating local Calvinist man Bernard Michaels convinced the Reformed believer to shave his beard, causing him to lose all his powers of theology, exegesis, and arguing on the internet.
A group of Arminian theologians had reportedly hatched the plot, convincing the woman to approach Michaels, seduce him, and subtly suggest he should shave his beard.
"Tell me the secret of your theological powers," she said one afternoon as they watched Netflix together.
"If you cut down all the tulips in my garden and give me a six-pack of craft beer, I will lose my Reformed convictions," he told her. But this didn't work, and he remained a staunch five-point Calvinist.
"If you destroy all my James White and R.C. Sproul books, I shall become as wishy-washy as any Arminian," he then said. But this too didn't work. The woman nagged him again and again until he finally relented while on his fifth beer one night, telling her that his theological powers would disappear should she shave his beard.
She reportedly waited until he passed out "around IPA number 7" and did the deed.
Michaels was crestfallen the next morning to find he didn't understand Romans 9, Ephesians 1, or John 6 at all and had a strange desire to read watered-down motivational books. As he wandered the aisles of his local Christian bookstore, broken and alone, he prayed, "Lord, strengthen me once more, and let me destroy the false teachers for you." Drawing on all his strength, he then pulled down the bookshelves in the heretical Christian Living section before being asked to leave by a manager.
On the plus side, Michaels was said to be "500% less annoying" after the shave.