ANTIOCH, CO—Archaeologists excavated a nearly 100 year old church in which the parishioners had never been told to sit back down by their worship leader, reports confirmed Friday.
“They’re still standing to this day,” said lead excavator Harland Olmstead.
Never since Pompeii has such an eerie site been uncovered by modern archaeology. The members stand rigid, mummified by the elements and almost perfectly fossilized in the position they were left in that fateful Sunday morning when their worship leader, still preserved on the stage playing his Martin acoustic guitar, neglected to let everyone know it was OK to sit back down if anybody’s legs were getting tired.
Experts believe the worship leader may have broken into a “highly-repeatable” bridge and just kept on repeating it until the entire congregation became paralyzed in a state of perpetual standing. Church members can be seen in various states, some shifting awkwardly on their feet, some whispering to each other with annoyed looks, others resolutely holding their hands up at the waist, trying their best to remain in a passionate state for an indefinite amount of time.
“It’s really important to let your flock know when it is OK to sit down,” said pastoral coach Harvey Willis from Colorado Springs. “It’s one of the most common mistakes of young worship leaders. They think people will just sit down if their legs get tired. For many Christians, sitting is a sign of disloyalty to Christ. They just won’t do it unless everybody does it at the same time.”
The church will be fully excavated and turned into a tourist attraction that will serve as a dire warning to church leaders everywhere of the importance of telling your congregation, “you now may be seated.”