ISRAEL - Archeologists excavating in the Jordan Rift Valley have uncovered what they believe are the rainbow logos used by companies to promote Pride Month in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. Samples have been sent to the University of Cambridge for further analysis and, if verified, could prove to be one of the most obvious finds in biblical history.
"It's kind of big news that we found the exact locations of Sodom and Gomorrah," Dr. Henrietta Tombs told journalists with National Geographic magazine. "But the quality of artifacts we've found also indicate a super perverted society of groomers, which was to be expected."
According to the Israel Antiquities Authority, researchers have unearthed special edition LGBT wheels, casks of Pride Wine, and rainbow-colored pottery vessels that once contained fig cakes. In addition, a slew of nude statues were discovered in Sodom's town square, which experts are calling "remarkably gay."
At publishing time, archaeologists also believe they have found the remains of Zoar, another of the ancient "cities of the plain" of which Sodom and Gomorrah were a part. Unfortunately, the artifacts found are shockingly homophobic.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
