JORDAN — Newly translated clay tablets unearthed near the Dead Sea indicate that Sodom and Gomorrah was originally funded by USAID.
The records, which were unearthed and translated by a crack team of archaeologists from the University of Chicago, seem to indicate that the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were funded by American tax shekels until God poured fire and brimstone down on their heads, ending the agency's assistance to the cities.
"It was pretty standard USAID stuff," says Jackson Haviland, the lead archeologist on the dig. "A few million shekels for gay orgies, an allotment for raping visitors, several thousand for teaching young Gomorrahan kids that they were born in the wrong body — of course, these numbers should be much higher now, given inflation over the years. Seems like things were really thriving until a freak asteroid storm broke up the party."
Other expenses listed on the ancient tablets include 400,000 shekels spent on wild raves to assorted fertility goddesses and 75,000 shekels on some mysterious expenditure for which translators have not yet found a properly equivalent word in English.
"It was probably gross," Haviland confirmed. "That one was right after the listing for what we've translated as 'Gay-themed Saltshaker Night.'"
At publishing time, archeologists had also discovered that Sodom and Gomorrah had used significant portions of their grants to fund abortions of unwanted children.
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