NEW YORK CITY, NY — After rumors circulated that she had split with her boyfriend, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez posted a video explaining how she had actually frozen him just in case she might still want him in the future.
"I'm doing this to keep my options open," said AOC, happily surveying the block of ice containing ex-boyfriend Riley Roberts. "As a working woman and someone who has given her life to serving the public, I have very little time right now for personal life stuff. In a few years when things calm down, I might want to get back together with him, who knows? This will keep him safe in the meantime."
Roberts will reportedly be held in a freezer for at least the next decade, pending any further decision from AOC on his relational viability. The news was met with applause from the Congresswoman's fan base, who praised her for refusing to choose between work and relationships. "You go, girl! We can have it all. Freeze the patriarchy!" wrote one follower on Instagram.
Medical professionals say the process for freezing a boyfriend is somewhat straightforward, but doesn't guarantee success later on. A boyfriend's looks may be affected by the long freeze, with some emerging from the ice bearing a strong resemblance to a disheveled, homeless ferret. However, doctors stated that in the the case of AOC's boyfriend, that would be a "pre-existing condition."
At publishing time, AOC had announced that she had also had her "dear Abuela" from Puerto Rico frozen in case she needed to trot her out later on for a campaign.
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