MENLO PARK, CA—In the midst of a scandal involving the unauthorized transfer of its users’ data for political purposes, Facebook proudly unveiled a brand new, giant Lidless Eye of Sauron atop the company’s Menlo Park headquarters.
The Eye of Sauron will be used to examine Facebook users’ every action, online and off.
The fiery Great Eye reportedly cost over seven trillion dollars and came with all the latest surveillance technology, including the ability to detect evil thoughts and motives as well as any negative emotions about Facebook or Mark Zuckerberg.
“Reading everyone’s profiles and harvesting all their private data is great, but the Lidless Eye will help us be much more efficient in our shady use of people’s personal lives,” Zuckerberg said at the press conference as he showed off the features of his new surveillance tool. “An ever-watchful searing gaze from the Lord of Barad-dûr is great for privacy, as you no longer have to worry about it. Because, you know, you don’t have it anymore.”
According to sources from within Facebook, the far-reaching new surveillance strategy will also include the construction of a great volcano, where any incriminating info about Facebook or its CEO can be destroyed at will.