Airlines To Now Allow First Class To Whip Coach Passengers With Pool Noodles And Shout 'Poors! Look At The Poors!' As They Walk By
Buzzing · Jul 1, 2023 ·

U.S. — In a bid to enhance the luxury experience of first-class passengers, airlines have introduced a new perk allowing them to smack everyone flying in coach with pool noodles all while shouting, "Poors! Filthy Poors!" as they pass by.

"Haha look son, here come the POORS! Poor people! Poor people! Dirty, smelly poor people!" said first-class passeger Roger Millican as he bonked everyone on the head with a pool noodle. "Enjoy your water and stale crackers, peasants!"

According to many first-class patrons, the change has been a long time coming. "To think, I used to fly up in the air alongside poors who had the audacity to walk by me without being humiliated! It's all quite laughable now," said Kathleen Snyder as she sipped on her complimentary alcoholic beverage and reclined her chair back an extra inch. "Oh, stewardess? Can you please fetch me one of those poors to smack around for a few minutes?"

Thus far, airlines report that the new rule changes have gone smoothly. "Everyone has always known that passengers flying in first-class are better than those wretched simpletons who fly coach," said United Airlines spokesman Jeff Bengals. "No more sitting in silent judgment as those filthy peasants scuttle past you to their cramped, dingy seats. They don't even fight back when you beat them -- they know their place, the miserable brutes."

At publishing time, airlines introduced a new option where for a nominal fee, first-class passengers may get up during the flight and ring a bell while shouting, "SHAME!" at all the ugly poors in coach.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.

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