SAN FRANCISCO, CA — According to sources, Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi recently recruited several Catholic priests to exorcise her home of evil spirits, and as a result, has joined the Republican party.
"How could I have been so blind to the blessed truths of the Republican party?" said Pelosi to reporters with a new light in her eyes. "After the priests spent over 14 hours casting hundreds of demons, balrogs, and other dark entities from my home, I looked up to the heavens as though scales had fallen from my eyes and immediately converted to Republicanism. Praise be to Reagan!"
Priests credited their superior training in demonology for the successful exorcism.
"When Pelosi began to froth, sizzle, and spasm after we hit her with the holy water, we knew we had our work cut out for us." said local priest Lee Jameson. "We soon realized that a full legion of left-wing demons needed to be expelled through a full exorcism ceremony."
"We're happy to welcome another lost soul into the Republican Party."
Even though Speaker Pelosi's previously unquenchable thirst for the blood of infants slain through abortion has abated, eyewitnesses say the Speaker's experience was harrowing. The speaker has recovered and is in her right mind, fully clothed and speaking coherently to former Democratic allies who had staged an intervention to reaffirm her commitment to abortion.
"Chuck, abortion is murder — I'm Catholic for goodness' sake, and so are you, Joe!"
At publishing time, Pelosi had been seen going door-to-door to voters whose taxes she had stolen, making restitution with all that she had and praising God for delivering her from the dark spirits of Leftism.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!