EDEN — According to Heavenly sources, a final decision was made to provide a helper suitable for Adam after observing him for just two minutes.
Adam had already stubbed his toe and misplaced a cool stick he'd found just moments after he came into being. Turning his attention to food, Adam spent the next sixty seconds staring at a banana, wondering what to do.
"Okay, I've seen enough," said one angel, eager to make a report of Adam's performance. "He's completely helpless."
Another angel echoed this sentiment. "He literally just named that orange an orange because it's orange. What a simpleton," the angel said. "He's going to need a lot of assistance. Assistance from someone that isn't us."
Adam dismissed claims that he needed a helper, however, arguing that he'd found a really cool raccoon he could go on adventures with. "Sure, I'm also completely lost," he said, "but it's not like I've ever been here before."
At publishing time, Eve had announced her total agreement with the Lord's assessment of Adam.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn't doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee's Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
