WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to a crushing defeat of an immigration bill in the Senate, an angry Mitch McConnell has elected to give his Republican colleagues the silent treatment.

"We tried to get this bill done so that we could appear to care about the border without fixing anything, but we...

...

...

..." said McConnell before looking off into the distance and staring in silence for a full 30 minutes.

Senator Ted Cruz assured reporters it wasn't a problem. "He just gets a little emotional when he's upset," he said. "He'll come around and start talking in an hour or two. Hey wait — is he drooling?"

Sources confirmed the crowd of reporters waited for several hours before the Minority Leader began to blink and say words again. "...Um, so anyway, um, immigration bill. Yeah. I will do everything I can to get this back on track before I finish my walk down this giant tunnel made of pure light where I see my ancestors waiting for me. No further questions, please."

At publishing time, Republicans had assured Americans they were working on yet another bill that wouldn't solve anything and would send another $60 billion to Ukraine.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.