NEW YORK, NY - Ghislaine Maxwell has been convicted on 5 counts related to sex crimes committed against minors for over a decade. A few minutes after her conviction, she announced she has landed a brand-new job at CNN.
"We called Maxwell as soon as the verdict was read," said CNN President Jeff Zucker. "Ghislaine has shown us she has exactly what it takes to work here. This has nothing to do with the fact that she's really good at committing sex crimes. We are hiring her for her... um, many other qualifications. Yeah. Qualifications."
Maxwell will replace Wolf Blitzer as an anchor on The Situation Room and will also be placed in charge of the hiring of all new female interns.
"I am humbled to have been given this new opportunity at CNN," said Maxwell, "and I promise to do my best to find the very best girls - er, I mean, news. The very best news. Yeah. That's what I meant."
Ghislaine Maxwell will broadcast the news from her federal prison cell in New York City until her sentence is completed, or until she kills herself.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.