EAST OF EDEN — Per angelic sources, Cain attempted to explain away the whereabouts of his brother, Abel, by informing the Lord that he grew up in a middle-class family.
"Well, I'll start with this — I grew up a middle-class kid," Cain began. "My mother was hard-working. She raised me and my brother, Abel, she saved up, and it was only about the time I was a teenager that she could afford to buy her first home."
Sources said the Lord looked on patiently as Cain finished his rambling answer.
"And I know. I identify with — I know where I come from," Cain concluded.
Unfortunately for Cain, the angelic witnesses said the Lord saw through the act. Abel was dead by Cain's hand. The Lord informed Cain that no one tried to answer questions that way unless they had something to hide. As a result of his treachery, Cain was reportedly cursed to answer only "yes" or "no" to questions from that day forth.
"My punishment is too great to endure! I grew up in a middle-class family!" Cain cried out. "Please allow me to experience what can be, unburdened by what has been!"
At publishing time, Cain had traveled east and settled in the land of Nod, which was fitting because he could only nod his head in reply when anyone asked if he was a murderer.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
