NEW ASGARD - Thor's on-again, off-again love interest Dr. Jane Foster has been found worthy of mighty Mjolnir, the ancient hammer of Thor. She has been transformed into one of Earth's mightiest heroes by the hammer while the god of thunder is away on space business. However, sources reveal she keeps picking up Thor's wrench by mistake as she's just a woman and has a hard time telling the difference between the tools in Thor's garage.
"Is this it?" she asked, holding up the ancient wrench that is capable of loosening the bolts of the eternal toilet of Galactus.
"No! That's the third time you've asked me that," said Valkyrie, a warrior woman who identifies as the king of New Asgard.
"What about this long skinny one? Is this it?" she asked, picking up Thor's screwdriver. "Does Thor's hammer have the weird pointy end or a flat end?"
Dr. Foster - clad in silver armor, eyes glowing with the power of heavenly lightning - was about to shrug her shoulders in defeat when a kindly Bruce Banner reminded her that she can hold out her hand and call to the mystical hammer and it will come.
"Ugh! Stop mansplaining!" she hissed, ignoring him. She then picked up a pair of needle-nose pliers.
"Is this it?"
At publishing time, Jane Foster began wielding a rolling pin imbued with the strength of mighty homemakers to fight Gorr the God Butcher since she wouldn't listen to all the men telling her what to do.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
