WORLD — The Federal Bureau of Investigation has placed God on its watch list after discovering a troubling history of extreme pro-life comments.
"We believe this 'God' character to be the ringleader of a worldwide network of dangerous anti-choice extremists," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "We suspect he is extremely dangerous, and we urge anyone with knowledge as to his whereabouts to contact the FBI immediately."
Law enforcement believes God might be inspiring thousands of followers to violate the sacred Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances Act, known as the FACE Act. Several followers of God have been arrested for blocking access to abortion by praying and singing outside abortion clinics.
Several comments attributed to God implicating him in dangerous pro-life activism around the world include:
- "Before I formed you in your mother's womb I chose you. Before you were born I set you apart."
- "Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter."
- "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward."
- "Thou shalt not murder."
"These unhinged comments are a direct threat to women's healthcare and to democracy itself," said FBI Director Christopher Wray. "We are asking God to turn himself in to authorities before more women lose access to their important right to kill babies."
At publishing time, the FBI was flooded with millions of tips from people claiming they knew where God is.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!