Oops! Looks like you've been condemned. You really shouldn't have read those Harry Potter books. We warned you those were bad news.
Hell is full of terribly unspeakable punishments, but here are the most brutal:
1) You get a cell phone but can only receive calls about your car warranty that's about to expire: Just the worst. And you don't have a car. You're in hell!
2) Every month is Pride Month: Every day, just an endless pride parade, forever, and ever, and ever, and ever... (shudder)
3) You can only watch Season 8 of The Office: This truly is the wrath of God poured out on sinners. If you're not right with Jesus, trust in Him now.
4) Gilbert Gottfried follows you around reading passages from the book White Fragility: Well, at least it's not his stand-up.
5) There are Chick-Fil-A restaurants, but you get stuck in the drive-through line and the employee is making awkward small talk with you and you never get your food: UGGGHHHHH SO AWKWARRRDDD.
6) All podcasts play at half speed: At least you can understand what Ben Shapiro is saying now.
7) You have to walk around in socks and every once in a while you step on an icky wet thing and you don't get a change of socks: Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew,! Eternity ruined.
8) WW3 is about to start, inflation is at an all-time high, and Joe Biden is president: Good thing that'll never happen here.
9) Babylon Bee list articles are all 20 items long: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
