The prosecution has finally rested in the criminal case against former President Trump, having presented nine bullet-proof pieces of evidence that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Trump is guilty. Here they are:
- Trump said he's innocent: Exactly the sort of thing a guilty person would say.
- Before the trial, the prosecution's star witnesses both said Trump was innocent: It doesn't get any more cut and dry.
- The judge decided Trump was guilty before the trial even began: It was that obvious.
- No one in America has ever been charged with a felony for this crime before: Trump is so guilty they had to make up new laws. Case closed.
- Trump was in Home Alone 2 alongside notorious criminals "The Wet Bandits": What more evidence could you need?
- Trump spent evenings after trial delivering pizza to firemen: Exactly what a hardened felon would do. Lock him up.
- Trump's signature on the checks in question is kind of hard to read: The plain mark of criminal conspiracy.
- Robert DeNiro said he is guilty: Game over.
- He's not a Democrat: Clearly belongs behind bars. That's just how law works.
If that's not an airtight list of evidence that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Trump is guilty, then you belong in a cell right next to him!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
