8 Ways To Entice Your Bored Congregants Back To Church
Church · Jul 20, 2021 · BabylonBee.com

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Hey you! Yeah you, pastor! Is your church boring? Is your congregation leaving in droves to go to the cool church down the street that has hot worship leaders and laser lights? 

You gotta fix that. Here's how to make sure your bored congregants come back next Sunday. 

1) Offer VIP backstage passes to meet the pastor: As the pastor, you are a celebrity and everyone wants to meet you. Offer exclusive VIP passes to the first 20 people! 

2) Challenge the pastor of the church across the street to a cage fight: Bible teaching is fine, but what people really want is bloody pay-per-view MMA fighting! The winner of the match gets to keep half of the other church's members. 

3) Offer anyone who shows up a chance to play bass in the worship band: Make dreams come true. Don't worry, you don't have to tell them the bass is always unplugged anyway. 

4) Replace boring wafer communion with Cinnabon cinnamon rolls: Irresistible. 

5) Everyone gets a Taboo buzzer to press whenever the pastor says something they don't like: Nothing like some audience participation! If you're low on funds, you can give them rotten cabbage to throw. 

6) Tie a string to their smartphone and slowly pull it toward the church doors: Virtually everyone on earth is emotionally and physically dependant on their smartphones. Isn't it time they were emotionally and physically dependant on walking through your church doors every Sunday? 

7) Put CBD vape capsules in the fog machine to help everyone stay relaxed: Maybe add some nicotine for a little chemical dependence. 

8) Advertise a new "forgive any sin" promotion: We all know God can forgive any sin, (except the sin of voting Democrat) but it feels so much better if it's part of a cool promotion! Print out coupons for extra interest. 

NOT SATIRE: You don't need a shopping mall building with a food court to grow your church! Visit our friends at New Testament Reformation Fellowship to learn strategies Jesus gave to establish healthy churches. NTRF is a group of pastors with 100+ years of combined, global experience.

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