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So you have this Bible in your house, but who's gonna read it? Not you, because you are a lazy, insolent heathen. We get it- you don't have enough time. Those 3-hour Joe Rogan podcasts won't listen to themselves. To keep your Bible from going to waste, here are 8 other great uses for it:
#1) Coffeeshop Instagram photoshoot accessory: Take some artistic photos of your huge leather-bound Bible next to your morning coffee, add a sepia filter, and BOOM. Instant spirituality!
#2) Carry it with you on airplanes so people won't try to talk to you: Works like a charm.
#3) Leave it around the house in strategic places so your inconsiderate spouse can read it and maybe learn a few things: You may not need to read the Bible, but your spouse sure as heck does.
#4) Use the maps in the back to plan your invasion of Canaan: It's worth considering. Apparently, they have milk and honey.
#5) Gravity tester: Ever suddenly get worried gravity stopped working? Just hold up your Bible, let go, and make sure it falls to the ground. If it doesn’t... uh oh. Something’s wrong!
#6) Discipline your cat: If your cat is acting up and scratching things, then make him read the Bible. Cats hate reading.
#7) Hold it up for a photo-op after clearing out protesters with tear gas: This is an EPIC power move.
#8) Fight off vampires: Are vampires trying to get into your house? Drop the Bible on their heads... but only if gravity is working.
WAIT! This part isn't satire! In all seriousness, do you need to read your Bible more? Of course you do, you sinner. Try listening or reading along to God's Word using Dwell, the most creative Bible experience available in the App and Google Play Store. And get this! Dwell is giving all Babylon Bee readers free access to their app for 7 days, plus a coupon for 30% off. Get this exclusive deal now!